Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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