dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
