The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
