You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I want is dick and wine.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
