Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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