You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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