I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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