i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
