I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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