new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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