i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you had me at cake vodka
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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