Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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