He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So much Jack, so little girl.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
