I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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