So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
