i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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