I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
