I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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