shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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