i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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