I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
