dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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