I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
