I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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