Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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