Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
