office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
