I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
