Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
