my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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