I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
