he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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