i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
