yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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