So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
