I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
