Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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