Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
