He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
