You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
