at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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