So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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