I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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