I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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