He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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