There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How does one acquire holy water?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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