We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
