Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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