I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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