My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
