i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
