when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
