I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
