I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
