The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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